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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| Currently: Drinking my delicious hot milk tea with boba! mm mm goodness
Reality is hard to face. Hearing the truth hurts. Making someone repeat the truth hurts even deeper. Fuck.
Chick flicks are such bullshit. As much as I love watching them because I'd choose almost anything over horror/gore movies, they are such a brainwashing agent for everyone's mind, especially females. They put these false hopes in people's mind that they can be the exception, that they are that rarity that will have the movie scene happen in reality. I can keep wishing and hoping that one day after a date with a super sweet guy, my real "love" will come to my door and tell me that I am their exception in life. Yea. Ok. I think I'm just about done with dreaming about that crap happening to me. Thats why its in the movies right? That stuff doesn't happen in real life. Why do movie makers push these ridiculous ideas into our heads? Making dating even harder for guys with all these "prince charming" moves that they really can't pull off anyway? As if dating in real life wasn't complicated enough for the nice guys to not finish last. Ugh. All these disney princesses that end up with their prince charming, all these lead actresses who get their heart broken only to walk down the street and find the perfect guy to pick up the pieces, all bullshit. I'm a dreamer, I always have been but lately I've been finding it extra hard to even day dream about these fantasies because it ends up hurting even more. Happily ever afters aren't real. They don't exist.. you just settle, get comfortable, and deal. The only kind of love I can really believe in is the unconditional love that exists between some family members. I don't even believe whole families can really all get along and really love everyone in the family. Someone will always fuck it up for everyone else. Everyone's pretty fucked up, and so am I. I'm a bitch, and I'm not going to deny it. What's worse than a bitch is a bitch who denies it, dumb fuck fake whore. Anyway, I digress. Love in the movies will always remain just that. Movie love. You can never recreate that in reality, it just doesn't happen. If you really think you can turn one of society's biggest pimp/player back into the childhood love you once knew, good luck with that! Unless you have a genie in a lamp, some kind of magic wand, or a fairy godmother, you're screwed. He's not going to REALLY be visited by his dead uncle and three ghosts, save his brother's marriage, and then realize that you are THE one for him. Fuck. All. That. Shit. Movie love. If you want it, become an actress. And make sure you're the lead actress otherwise you might be screwed over and the guy you really want gets taken away. What a bitch, right? So get the lead role, or just die. Maybe not die.. but HAH!
So what do you do when it's just not meant to be? And walking away is the hardest thing you can possibly do? Every step you take away from that person breaks your heart more and more, crushing it into smaller and smaller pieces. At that point, how is anything going to be mended back together? Why hurt yourself more trying to put together the pieces than just walking away from it all? Then I guess.. you'd be left with no heart. Heartless bitch. Sounds suitable. Now.. to find the courage to walk away. But we were supposed to get married, have kids, live happily. 'Were supposed to...' Life is ever changing, so things change and people grow, and you have to move on. I don't want to change, grow, or move on.. this is going to be one hell of a ride.. and it's going to hurt like a bitch. Fuck.
"If he says he's giving you his all and you don't think he is, then obviously both of your definitions of 'all' are different and his is not enough for you." ... so does that mean I'm asking for too much? Am I too much of a princess? Yea.. heartless bitch.
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| Currently: wired on CocaCola at 4:46AM and waking up 7:30AM to go to speak with a counselor concerning classes
I love the sound of water falling, whether it be a fountain outside my apartment, raindrops on my window pane, a waterfall, waves crashing on the shore, water drops splashing, to the dripping of my sink. Nature is so unbelievably beautiful, I love the feeling of a cool breeze blowing through my hair, and listening to the wind blow softly through the tree outside my window.
I'm extremely self conscious, I hate the way I look, and feel like I'm never good enough. They say you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself, and I disagree. I find myself loving bits and parts of everyone around me, but cannot find one thing about myself that I absolutely love. I don't feel like my writing is up to the par of even an elementary school student.. however that will not stop me from writing, expressing, and letting words flow free through my fingertips to a keyboard or pen. I disappoint myself constantly in not writing enough, laughing hard enough, and giving up my heart too easily. Lately, I've been holding back my heart and it seems like that is hurting people and myself even more. I don't regret anything I've done in life and have learned to just look back on my mistakes to grow from them. I smile more now but just to hide even more behind the facade the world sees. You will never understand the complicated and intricate thoughts of my perplexing mind, but it's okay.. it's for me to understand, and for you to accept.
Kisses on the cheeks and forehead are sweet, but what's sweeter is kissing my thoughts by surprising and wowing me with the fascinating words you can deliver in forms of poetry, song, and simple enlightening conversation. I'm a verbal kind of gal, that picks up accents, and jargon quite easily and quickly.
I'd like to be well rounded, knowing little bits of everything because I don't feel like i have the capacity of learning to be extremely talented and excel in just one aspect/quality. Might as well be okay at a bunch of little things than suck horrible at just one thing.
Tree branches swaying in the night, stars shining their brightest in the peak of the night, and birds chirping at the break of dawn. These are just a few of my favorite things.
And teddy bears... stuffed or real ;)
♥ jessums | | |
| Currently: still laying in bed surfing the web
It's my first day off after working for 6 straight days, geez I'm so sick of CVS.
So the experience of living on my own on the opposite end of the country from home is finally coming to an end. I've fulfilled enough expectations for myself that I feel like I can now move back home satisfied. It wasn't easy moving to Florida on my own, and hell I have a month left here and it's still not easy but wow, it was one hell of an experience. I can cook for myself, like real dishes now. Awesome. And baking! It's amazing what baking has done for me.. clear my head of troublesome thoughts and relieve my stress. ♥creampuffs. Working full time is definitely no joke, and makes me wish I was back in school full time instead. Although I am extremely happy to be moving back to my best friends, family, and all the other familiarities, there is so much to figure out before I get home and even when I get there that makes me a little hesitant to go back. Just a little. *breathes. Next step.
Maybe I'll go back to writing. I don't know how many times I've said that before.. probably just about every time I feel inspired again, heh.. which is the result of laying in bed and thinking for a little too long. A whole new chapter in the book to write about, Florida. I'll try and keep the sunshine from here in my pocket.. or maybe in my pen. I've grown and matured a lot while living here, but I still feel like there is a big hole in my mind that needs to be filled with something I haven't found yet. I just feel... really incomplete.. missing something huge. I should write about that :)
Hopefully this summer will be filled with travel, started with my road trip home, then vacation with the family, cross country drive with Hiep and Hoson, and all my mini road trips around the northeast. I'm excited! Let's get going!
Love has found it's way in and out of my life again. It decided to stay almost as short as it did last time. It's okay, my wall strong enough this time, and it didn't break.. I've trained well. What is with this love crap anyway? What a waste of time.
Living away from Boston 1 of 3. Check.
Surviving on my own for a year. Check.
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| Currently: Scared..
I'm so scared to cry... especially in front of anyone, no matter how close. Life is so depressing, work, relationships, friendships, "friendships," and society. Reading an article in the tbt today really got me thinking. It was listing and discussing the many massacres in our country today that doesn't even make it to headlines and well, highlighting last week's Binghamton tragedy. One question the article asked was something along the lines of why people, today more than ever, feel like its okay to take the lives of others when they're going down themselves too. Of course it has crossed my mind before, if I was going to shoot myself then I might as well shoot a couple of people I think the world can live without too. Yes, I know that is horrible and wrong but I feel like some people really are just a waste of life. When I say I can name a couple of people, it doesn't mean people I know personally, but for example.. I don't know .. Osama Bin Laden.. seriously though I wouldn't be able to find him anyway but you get the point. I hate having to explain why I'm crying or even explain to myself why I'm acting like such a pansy. It just feels right to let it all go and then while I cry, I think of all these other things and well it just keeps going. Life is hard. I want to go home. Its all so overwhelming that I don't know what to do, and don't know who to turn to.
I've also realized how fake people can be, which makes me feel even more alone. How do I know when they're lying and when they're being sincere? When people say, don't worry, I'll be there for you and you can always cry on my shoulder, this and that.. sometimes I feel like if you do go to that person for their shoulder to cry on, they'll embrace you but really think "god what the hell is wrong with her?.." Either that or they wouldn't understand and then I'll just feel moronic and embarrassed. The truth hurts, and maybe I'll cry but I'd rather be hurt than feel like a stupid and played dipshit. So please, don't offer. Fable understands..
I'm sorry for being so young, immature, and mindless. I feel so bad about everything I've done.. and I know there is no way to make up for everything but I really wish all of you would just understand how sorry I am. I AM scared. I AM a pansy. And yes, I AM a stupid little girl. People thing I'm so strong and so brave for coming down to Florida on my own, but these past 9 months have been hard as shit and I've had no one to turn to that would understand. I only feel like the friends I have here, will care but won't fully understand.. I've only come across a few people that would really ever understand but I don't want to show them this weak and pathetic side. Especially because this time it's over nothing.. just.. nothing. I'm just overwhelmed and alone..
Shit gets tough and I'm trying to fight through it.. trying.
I'm not weak...I'm a warrior.. or trying to be one at least...
Abandoned. </3 | | |
| Currently: feeling kind of warm and fuzzy inside The weather has been kind of crazy lately..it'll rain like the world is ending one minute and the next minute, the sun will be shining super high in the sky! I love it. It's even kind of metaphorical to life, you know, like that quote, "you have to go through the rainstorm in order to reach the rainbow." So it was thundering and lightening outside, then my godbrother calls me and goes, "WHOA where'd that rainbow come from?! It's so random!" hehe.. when he does silly little things like that it makes me genuinely smile. Then we had a short little conversation about the rain and how he sucks for waking up at 1 in the afternoon so we couldn't go grab some dim sum. The sound of rain crashing against my windows in the kitchen while I stand there listening to it calms me and oddly enough, sometimes I never feel more safe than during those moments. Then I cleaned my house some more, hopped in the shower, and then hopped in the mobile to go grab some boba...or at least watch it be made in a hot little tea shop. Success. So I stood here in the boba shop reading my xanga subscriptions and well, I couldn't help but think of one of the most successful people I know in life (mainly because I was reading her xanga). She is unbelievably self-motivated, intelligent, and creative..oh and of course lovable :). I have known her since I was in the fourth grade if not earlier and sadly as the years have passed, we have lost almost all contact with each other. With the exception of an occasional hello, how are you, small talk sort of thing. She was always like a sister to me and I still love her like one, I just wish that our lives hadn't split us apart. Anyway, in my eyes, she has always been an over achiever, and too harsh on herself. I used to think she was amazing just the way she is and although she has changed a lot, I still think she is just as amazing. If I ever had the kind of self-motivation she has or even half, I'd be doing pretty well right now... but she has always been the above and beyond kind of student. As hard as you may be on yourself even now, I don't know how I can stress enough how much I look up to you. You make me believe that nothing in this world is impossible and that with determination and a little elbow grease, I can do whatever the hell I want to in life. :) Please don't forget me, ever. We'll always be "pretty gay" together...miss you, love you. Entry dedication: Winette Yee | | |
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