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| Currently: Loving Owl City songs even though they all sound the same
Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning and think I have completely failed at life, actually that happens quite often. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything worth mentioning. I barely survived high school and only finished with the help if my best friend. I'm supposed to graduate college this spring but that's not happening for at least another two years. I can barely can't even help my parents out through this difficult financial time and I work full time with no bills to pay myself, other than my one credit card that i use for my own pleasures. I wonder if my parents see me the same way I see myself.. I know my brother does. I've always had issues with being alone, probably because whenever I'm by myself, I start thinking about how useless I am and would be better off if I was out of everyone's hair. When I'm laying in bed at night, I try really hard to fall asleep as quickly as possible because once I start thinking, tears roll down my cheeks. Destructive thoughts aren't rare, and never have been, especially when I begin to think of what a failure I am. I feel horrible that my mom has always supported me with all her might even through my stupidest decisions. She has almost never said no to me when I asked for her help. My move to Florida was a great solution to my problems, but I'm sure has created only more for my parents. Was that a selfish move? People have told me that I'm still young and I have many years to pay back my parents for what they have done for me. But right now, when they need me most, I'm barely ever in the house to show them that I'm even here. I don't want to be at home when they are because I get scared of not being able to help when they ask. I can't help them even the slightest bit when they are suffering the most.
My dad and I haven't gotten along since I started to rebel in the sixth grade. Ever since then, we've only been at each other's neck whenever we speak. I remember when I was little, he would take me out to the park to rollerskate, or play frisbee, or just go for a walk after dinner. He's always tried to push our family to be the perfect Asian American family. All he has ever wanted was to have his own house and retire by 60. He once said that he's the oldest son and he's the only one that doesn't own his own his yet.. I cannot describe the pain and embarrassment I saw in his eyes when he said that. After struggling the way he did as the oldest son, fleeing from Vietnam, trying to raise his family here in Boston, and take care of his parents, I can't blame him for wanting what he does. However, I am not what he wanted.. I'm quite the opposite. I know he doesn't approve of any of the things I do. I know he wishes I was more obedient and could help out the family more. In his eyes, I'm sure I'm just short of a complete failure in life.. if not a failure at being his daughter.
My mom and I never really had close bonding moments. When I was little, my dad and her would fight and she would come into the living room, sit on the couch, and cry. All I would do is sit next to her and hand her tissues. I think thats the closest to bonding we have ever had.. and the last time that happened was probably in middle school. Thats the most I have ever been there for her, and yet from the day she gave birth to me, up until today, she has never stopped being there for me. She's tried to guide me through school, work, and relationships, and if she couldn't guide me, she would support me in whatever I chose for myself. My mom really is my heroine, and there is no one that will ever be able to match up to her in my life. I know she thinks I'm still a lost little duckling trying to figure out what I want in life but she realizes that I'm just a little slow in finding my way. Nonetheless, she still believes in me and knows I will eventually get to where I want to be in life.
I never show emotions in front of my parents or towards my parents because I feel like that would make me look weak and vulnerable. The last thing I need them to think is that I am weak.. I feel like the least I could do is show them that I can be strong in this world and take whatever blows life will hit me with. I will not fall, and so.. they don't need to worry. (Yes, I know, it's every parent's job to worry about their child.) The only time I ever show emotions towards them is in these xanga entries, whether it be anger or love.. it's like if i write it, then they'll just know. I love my mom, and I promise one day I will pay her back for ALL that she has ever done for me. And as for my dad, I never say it, ever.. but I'm sure deep down inside my cold heart, I love him too. You only have one dad in this world anyway. I'm sorry I'm taking my time to help out in the family the way you want me to, but one day.. you'll finally look at me and say, 'wow..thats my daughter' and you'll be smiling.
I never speak highly of my extended family, mainly because I feel like they have all done my parents wrong. My mom's sisters and brother, my dad's brothers and sister.. they take advantage of the fact that my parents are the eldest of their siblings, and never show any gratitude for the help they have been given (then again I shouldn't really be speaking either). However, family is family.. and I still believe there is good in this world and everyone still has good in them. One day, it'll hit them, and I'm sure they will repay my parents with the help and respect they deserve.
All in all, as for now, I see myself as a failure. And I'll probably feel this way for awhile, heh, and will feel this will until I win the Nobel Prize one day. *crosses fingers
Slowly growing, slowly learning, and still dreaming of that day... | | |
| Currently: Feeling super comfy in my jammies and oversized hoodie
~If you look closely, you can see castles in the sky..
Today was beautiful, just beautiful.The weather was great, it even reminded me of Florida but better because of all the familiarities of Boston. After work, I took the train to Harvard Square. The train ride, getting off the train, walking out of the station, all while listening to music on my phone made it so.. relaxing and happy feeling. Thank you Boston, for welcoming me back home like I never left. Boston at this time of the year isn't always pretty but when you're in just the right place at just the right time and everything is just.. right, life feels good. And as good as life may feel at the moment, I know that once I lay into bed and roll around not able to sleep.. all the thoughts of reality will hit. All the responsibilities I came back to, all the drama, the frustration.. it's still here.
Florida was an amazing year and three months away from home. It's sad that only during the last 5 months did it really feel like home away from home. The friends I met, I will never forget, and the memories we made, I will cherish forever. As cliche as that may sound, in such a short period of time, these friends became almost like a family to me.. taking care of me and all. As usual, I was the youngest once again. We partied hardy, we relaxed on the beach, stargazed, we took chances, and at one point, was speeding through life at over 160mph. :) For the last three years, I had my 21st birthday planned out to a T. I knew where I was going to celebrate, who I was going to celebrate with, and even what drinking games I was going to play. None of that happened when the time came, but these awesome Floridian sillies of mine made it just as memorable as I hoped it would be. Even if there was one short time frame I have no recollection of that night. :D No matter where our paths in life will take us, I hope one day our paths will cross again. I never did quite get to formally say thanks for helping me keep my sanity, helping me being a little stronger, a little more independent. Thanks for giving me a chance, taking me in, and showing me friendship when I thought it was almost impossible. When I was ready to throw in the towel and take my sorry self back home, ya'll showed me something no one else did the whole time I lived there.. just a different something. So I stayed.. and sadly even with all my might.. fate took me back home anyway.. but fear not.. I will be back after I graduate. I will make sure that my path will cross with all of ya'lls again. And thanks to you sillies, I say ya'll regularly now. :) mucho love. ♥FL '09
Florida taught me many life lessons about living on my own too. First off, I definitely realized that if you want something, just do it.. talking about it all the time doesn't accomplish anything. Push yourself and just go. Life is short, and in the end, it all comes down to you to get going on what you want. I went to FL for vacation, about a month later, I found myself driving towards NY at 7am on July 21st, Florida bound. Want something? Go get it. Then of course is the lesson of budgeting and caring for yourself. I still hate doing laundry.. and would rather buy new clothes but.. once that pile gets too big.. I end up pushing myself to get around to it. Working full time and learning to cherish my days off was interesting. You work five days a week and you get two (if you're lucky) to do the errands you can't the other days. Or.. do errands one day and spend the other with friends.. just kickin' it.. or staying up late stargazing by Tampa bay.. :) Living on your own isn't easy.. a lot of things must be self motivated.. even something small like doing dishes.. or cleaning out the fridge of moldy milk .. hehe just gotta push yourself. Life.. it's all about pushing.. (heh.. didn't realize I incorporated 'pushing' into my post as well..)
Thank you Florida for opening my eyes, and thank you my Floridian sillies for helping me through and getting where I am now.. and still somewhat sane.
Next stop..Florida in two years? Or maybe Italy? England? We'll see :) I'm excited for the adventures I'm going to push myself into next. Whatever it is, and wherever I end up.. shits going to be one hell of a ride! WOOT!
(See I tried to go back to my bold/italics/underline -ing ways :) )
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| Currently: Drinking my delicious hot milk tea with boba! mm mm goodness
Reality is hard to face. Hearing the truth hurts. Making someone repeat the truth hurts even deeper. Fuck.
Chick flicks are such bullshit. As much as I love watching them because I'd choose almost anything over horror/gore movies, they are such a brainwashing agent for everyone's mind, especially females. They put these false hopes in people's mind that they can be the exception, that they are that rarity that will have the movie scene happen in reality. I can keep wishing and hoping that one day after a date with a super sweet guy, my real "love" will come to my door and tell me that I am their exception in life. Yea. Ok. I think I'm just about done with dreaming about that crap happening to me. Thats why its in the movies right? That stuff doesn't happen in real life. Why do movie makers push these ridiculous ideas into our heads? Making dating even harder for guys with all these "prince charming" moves that they really can't pull off anyway? As if dating in real life wasn't complicated enough for the nice guys to not finish last. Ugh. All these disney princesses that end up with their prince charming, all these lead actresses who get their heart broken only to walk down the street and find the perfect guy to pick up the pieces, all bullshit. I'm a dreamer, I always have been but lately I've been finding it extra hard to even day dream about these fantasies because it ends up hurting even more. Happily ever afters aren't real. They don't exist.. you just settle, get comfortable, and deal. The only kind of love I can really believe in is the unconditional love that exists between some family members. I don't even believe whole families can really all get along and really love everyone in the family. Someone will always fuck it up for everyone else. Everyone's pretty fucked up, and so am I. I'm a bitch, and I'm not going to deny it. What's worse than a bitch is a bitch who denies it, dumb fuck fake whore. Anyway, I digress. Love in the movies will always remain just that. Movie love. You can never recreate that in reality, it just doesn't happen. If you really think you can turn one of society's biggest pimp/player back into the childhood love you once knew, good luck with that! Unless you have a genie in a lamp, some kind of magic wand, or a fairy godmother, you're screwed. He's not going to REALLY be visited by his dead uncle and three ghosts, save his brother's marriage, and then realize that you are THE one for him. Fuck. All. That. Shit. Movie love. If you want it, become an actress. And make sure you're the lead actress otherwise you might be screwed over and the guy you really want gets taken away. What a bitch, right? So get the lead role, or just die. Maybe not die.. but HAH!
So what do you do when it's just not meant to be? And walking away is the hardest thing you can possibly do? Every step you take away from that person breaks your heart more and more, crushing it into smaller and smaller pieces. At that point, how is anything going to be mended back together? Why hurt yourself more trying to put together the pieces than just walking away from it all? Then I guess.. you'd be left with no heart. Heartless bitch. Sounds suitable. Now.. to find the courage to walk away. But we were supposed to get married, have kids, live happily. 'Were supposed to...' Life is ever changing, so things change and people grow, and you have to move on. I don't want to change, grow, or move on.. this is going to be one hell of a ride.. and it's going to hurt like a bitch. Fuck.
"If he says he's giving you his all and you don't think he is, then obviously both of your definitions of 'all' are different and his is not enough for you." ... so does that mean I'm asking for too much? Am I too much of a princess? Yea.. heartless bitch.
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| Currently: wired on CocaCola at 4:46AM and waking up 7:30AM to go to speak with a counselor concerning classes
I love the sound of water falling, whether it be a fountain outside my apartment, raindrops on my window pane, a waterfall, waves crashing on the shore, water drops splashing, to the dripping of my sink. Nature is so unbelievably beautiful, I love the feeling of a cool breeze blowing through my hair, and listening to the wind blow softly through the tree outside my window.
I'm extremely self conscious, I hate the way I look, and feel like I'm never good enough. They say you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself, and I disagree. I find myself loving bits and parts of everyone around me, but cannot find one thing about myself that I absolutely love. I don't feel like my writing is up to the par of even an elementary school student.. however that will not stop me from writing, expressing, and letting words flow free through my fingertips to a keyboard or pen. I disappoint myself constantly in not writing enough, laughing hard enough, and giving up my heart too easily. Lately, I've been holding back my heart and it seems like that is hurting people and myself even more. I don't regret anything I've done in life and have learned to just look back on my mistakes to grow from them. I smile more now but just to hide even more behind the facade the world sees. You will never understand the complicated and intricate thoughts of my perplexing mind, but it's okay.. it's for me to understand, and for you to accept.
Kisses on the cheeks and forehead are sweet, but what's sweeter is kissing my thoughts by surprising and wowing me with the fascinating words you can deliver in forms of poetry, song, and simple enlightening conversation. I'm a verbal kind of gal, that picks up accents, and jargon quite easily and quickly.
I'd like to be well rounded, knowing little bits of everything because I don't feel like i have the capacity of learning to be extremely talented and excel in just one aspect/quality. Might as well be okay at a bunch of little things than suck horrible at just one thing.
Tree branches swaying in the night, stars shining their brightest in the peak of the night, and birds chirping at the break of dawn. These are just a few of my favorite things.
And teddy bears... stuffed or real ;)
♥ jessums | | |
| Currently: still laying in bed surfing the web
It's my first day off after working for 6 straight days, geez I'm so sick of CVS.
So the experience of living on my own on the opposite end of the country from home is finally coming to an end. I've fulfilled enough expectations for myself that I feel like I can now move back home satisfied. It wasn't easy moving to Florida on my own, and hell I have a month left here and it's still not easy but wow, it was one hell of an experience. I can cook for myself, like real dishes now. Awesome. And baking! It's amazing what baking has done for me.. clear my head of troublesome thoughts and relieve my stress. ♥creampuffs. Working full time is definitely no joke, and makes me wish I was back in school full time instead. Although I am extremely happy to be moving back to my best friends, family, and all the other familiarities, there is so much to figure out before I get home and even when I get there that makes me a little hesitant to go back. Just a little. *breathes. Next step.
Maybe I'll go back to writing. I don't know how many times I've said that before.. probably just about every time I feel inspired again, heh.. which is the result of laying in bed and thinking for a little too long. A whole new chapter in the book to write about, Florida. I'll try and keep the sunshine from here in my pocket.. or maybe in my pen. I've grown and matured a lot while living here, but I still feel like there is a big hole in my mind that needs to be filled with something I haven't found yet. I just feel... really incomplete.. missing something huge. I should write about that :)
Hopefully this summer will be filled with travel, started with my road trip home, then vacation with the family, cross country drive with Hiep and Hoson, and all my mini road trips around the northeast. I'm excited! Let's get going!
Love has found it's way in and out of my life again. It decided to stay almost as short as it did last time. It's okay, my wall strong enough this time, and it didn't break.. I've trained well. What is with this love crap anyway? What a waste of time.
Living away from Boston 1 of 3. Check.
Surviving on my own for a year. Check.
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